The ashes just look pretty on your eyes....

Medieval Fair was today, unfortunately Alex fell ill and was unable to join Neike and I... :( I hope she feels better. I can't wait for a day when we all three can hang out and go attend some kind of festival event of sorts to make up for today. The festival was just about everything i hoped it would be and about 1,000 times more. It was so wonderful, i felt so comfortable and so happy, like... genuinely happy.... monique even noticed and commented on how elated i truly was. Everything was so beautiful, and all the tents held such divine effects. I bought incense, hand made soaps, and a lovely pentacle necklace. There were so many tents filled with unique odds and ends, wiccan/pagan trinkets and things or... "dip dops" as peter (moniques boyfriend) would call them. It was just such a perfect and excellent affair. 

Today was almost spotless. The fair was amazing, i even had a lovely dinner that i didnt hate myself for, and hung out with brigid and my boyfriend, jason. 

But nothing can ever be flawless can it?...

I'm.... barely hanging on.. by a thread i dangle from the breaking point. Sometimes... he just makes feel so.... worthless.. The way he speaks to me, the way he questions everything i say, like i know absolutely nothing, like i'm... stupid.. i don't even want to talk anymore for fear of being instantly criticized its that bad... i cant stand that he thinks im so brainless.... that he always has to doubt my answers/facts/conclusions.. because i could just never can be right... i could never know something. It hurts me the way he acts sometimes.. i love him, more than anything i love him.... and only on a very rare occasion do i feel this way (complete and utter worthless shit, like a waste..) but it hurts so much right now, and i don't have people to talk to... i have my keypad and this blog. 

Saved by refugee of this once blank page. First time this blogging idea has seemed worth it and useful. I do not feel like cutting. I feel like crying.... and it just won't happen... I'm not getting better and i feel in fact, the terms are that it is the complete opposite... i am becoming worse. I don't feel like moving, like speaking, like breathing. Blessed be that damned medieval festival for granting me my first few hours of sanctuary in what has been... well.... years. I can barely feel anymore.