Good morning, regardless of what the post time states next to this blog it is precisely 11:55 a.m.

Rough night last night, and a rough past couple of days, i haven't been on here in a while, and decided it might be a nice investment to revisit and mayhaps write a tiny bit.

As ones life progresses one learns more and more about ones self. I have learned something new about myself rather recently. I can be an awfully jealous person, and i hate that. I have found that if another girl even looks at jason i begin to feel jealous and worthless and all this other nonsense. I've also learned that my stability level is beyond repair, i fear i am insane to be truly honest. I'm depressed all the time, completely, and totally depressed, to the point where i dont even want to open my mouth to speak anymore i just would rather live inside my own head. Life inside my head for the most part is quite pleasant, with the exception of suicidal thoughts, imaginary depressing scenarios and reliving over and over again the death of my father and many other horrible and morbid events. All that put to the side, my imaginary life proves to be exceedingly satisfying. In my head, i do not live here, but somewhere else, some place beautiful with wide open wheat fields and sun everyday, i am happy there, i am alone there, and when lonely am visited by the people whom i love. A fantasy life which will never exist. I am often living that life instead of reality, and after pondering this for quite some time i have come to the conclusion that it is an unhealthy and unstable habit, that, if i break it, i might go completely psychotic altogether. 

This post really isnt making much sense. I just need to ramble.

Aside from living some fantasy life inside my head, and proving the level of my stability to be lower than the floor and completely broken, my self esteem, self worth, has gone, as you say, completely out the window. I have never at any point in my life ever felt so ugly, so worthless, so unwanted, so useless, grotesque, undeserving, etc.,etc.,etc. Slowly i am building a shell to harbor myself in to protect me from the outside world to isolate me, and banish reality from my existence. No razor, no cuts, no nothing, i no longer feel like feeling. The numbness is bliss.