i'm disgusting. i hate myself. i want to be left alone.

Venting.

Well holy fucking crow!!! I fuckin swear to godd! What god???! I have no fuckin clue! But it rolls off the tongue nicely. SHIT! People are so motherfucking fake. Oh my shit!

First off, I'm sooooo sick of you making up problems every other fucking tuesday or what have you! I'm sick of your snooty, snob attitude and how you always have to be right, and put others down for your own sick satisfaction you stupid bitch! And not only that, but you're fake, so damned fake! You so pride yourself on your "originality" and "independence" but all you are is a copy of everyone around you. You're like fucking silly putty, you look and act like anything or anyone you associate yourself with. You act like youre soo smart when half the damn time you dont even know what the fuck youre shooting out of your big stupid mouth! You and your lame arguments, your childish ways, and your stuck up attitude! HOLY FUCKING CROW!!!

well i don't believe in those lies you tell anymore, and i don't think you do either

Well, I know i'm not pregnant because i am on my period as i type, and have been for the past 3 days, so pregnancy can't be the reason. I'm taking my medication regularly. No traumatic events have occurred as of recent. So? Why am i so god damned emotional???? The smallest fucking thing gets me upset and it's like my body has produced a never ending surplus of tears, that insist on flowing from my eyes when ever they wish, even without reason. ugh. This is so dumb, and i feel so helpless. My meds, which i don't even want to be on in the first place, have been increased to 150 mg, i should be feeling better, acting better. Im not. What the hell is wrong with me....

I feel like falling asleep forever, like that fairy tale, and live inside my dreams so that the reality that pierces my skin so harshly can never effect me again. I'm falling, sinking, slowly but surely and i have nothing to hold on to, nothing to grasp for dear life and help pull myself to my feet. 

idk, boredom

She's never been this lonely

She's always had someone

She's never been this sorry

She's never missed the sun

and now she's

Crying in bed and

Sitting in the dark

She can't believe you broke her heart

She's sitting alone

She's thinking of you

She doesn't know what else to do

Where are you

Where are you

Broken.

I hate me. I hate the way i think, the way i judge my every movement, the way my fumbling hands wreak havoc on everything they touch. I hate the way i feel every second of ever day, the way i look, the way my short, fat body maneuvers itself, and the way my deformed, hideous face contorts into expressions that allow the world to easily read me like an open book. I hate how the only thing i can seem to find any solace in is the slick, fine edge of a friendly razor against my all too willing skin. I hate myself for being such a stupid fuck up. 

I'm a miserable excuse for a human being and will never, ever prove myself to be anything but just that. I can never be happy, it's repulsive. It's become utterly hopeless to dream of any kind of life for myself beyond graduation, if that. I draw a blank every time i try to think of my "future", and have convinced myself that i won't live to see the age 19. I'm a pathetic piece of nothing who deserves to slowly rot to ruined trash just like my broken heart. I'm even disgusted that i have the nerve to sit here and continue to type this pitiful excuse for a blog, i am merely drowning in self-pity and complaining, but i need to vent, and thats what the dumb posts are for.

this was a fail.

So it's either im growing as a person, breaking out of my cold shell, and stepping into the light, or the zoloft. 

I'm thinking it's the meds. (considering my dosage just recently increased.)

But okay, so what if it's just the pills? They're working, and im feeling almost halfway close to being sort of okay, so, that's what counts. Right?

I'm kind of..... scratch that, REALLY scared/anxious/apprehensive/worried/horrified for the recent/immediate future. I've been having dreams. Bad, sad, dreams, and, from experience i know that they mean something bad, and i know they are never wrong.... And sure, she's on meds, she's crazy and now she's having "dreams", it sounds ludicrous but im not kidding. (and before you read any further ill just have you know my dreams are not of that that predict an apocalypse or earth shattering event or some hallaboloo like that, they just usually hint an upcoming event in my own life, much like foreshadowing in literature, or womens intuition) and so i've been on edge lately. Blah.

i'm..... sitting here, avoiding school work, listening to country music (don't ask.) and attempting to calm my nerves, so forgive me if this is messy, boring, and a complete and utter fail. 

Auditions for 12 angry jurors is tomorrow. I have yet to memorize the monologue, and fml i just know i am going to screw this up. Stars guide me. Ugh.

i dooon't know where this is going.....

i'm nervous and scared and i dont know what to do, i just want to type, whatever pops into my head to be transfered into the laptop and serving as an unfortunately failing release.

I feel.. unwanted, unloved, pathetic, stupid, psychotic, unimportant, and all the feelings that come along with the previous adjectives. 

i cant make this make sense. bye for now, i'll try again later. maybe...

The tile flooring in my bathroom proves to be a decent comfort rather than a shockingly cold, "i've just hit rock bottom" surface. I'll let you in on a little secret, girls, all girls, even cute little sally who lives down the street and fetches the mail for you every morning, are bitches. They will do anything and everything in their power to demote you down to a worthless nothing who hardly even deserves to exist much less take up space and oxygen on this planet. I just don't think i could feel anymore abject...worthless...insignificant...ugly...and/or repulsive if i tried, or wanted to. I just fucking do not want to live anymore. I am absolutely sick and tired of this utter bullshit. People are goddamned fucking pathetic assholes. I want to vanish off of the face of the earth entirely and for everyone to forget i ever came into existence.