i'm disgusting. i hate myself. i want to be left alone.

Venting.

Well holy fucking crow!!! I fuckin swear to godd! What god???! I have no fuckin clue! But it rolls off the tongue nicely. SHIT! People are so motherfucking fake. Oh my shit!

First off, I'm sooooo sick of you making up problems every other fucking tuesday or what have you! I'm sick of your snooty, snob attitude and how you always have to be right, and put others down for your own sick satisfaction you stupid bitch! And not only that, but you're fake, so damned fake! You so pride yourself on your "originality" and "independence" but all you are is a copy of everyone around you. You're like fucking silly putty, you look and act like anything or anyone you associate yourself with. You act like youre soo smart when half the damn time you dont even know what the fuck youre shooting out of your big stupid mouth! You and your lame arguments, your childish ways, and your stuck up attitude! HOLY FUCKING CROW!!!

well i don't believe in those lies you tell anymore, and i don't think you do either

Well, I know i'm not pregnant because i am on my period as i type, and have been for the past 3 days, so pregnancy can't be the reason. I'm taking my medication regularly. No traumatic events have occurred as of recent. So? Why am i so god damned emotional???? The smallest fucking thing gets me upset and it's like my body has produced a never ending surplus of tears, that insist on flowing from my eyes when ever they wish, even without reason. ugh. This is so dumb, and i feel so helpless. My meds, which i don't even want to be on in the first place, have been increased to 150 mg, i should be feeling better, acting better. Im not. What the hell is wrong with me....

I feel like falling asleep forever, like that fairy tale, and live inside my dreams so that the reality that pierces my skin so harshly can never effect me again. I'm falling, sinking, slowly but surely and i have nothing to hold on to, nothing to grasp for dear life and help pull myself to my feet. 

idk, boredom

She's never been this lonely

She's always had someone

She's never been this sorry

She's never missed the sun

and now she's

Crying in bed and

Sitting in the dark

She can't believe you broke her heart

She's sitting alone

She's thinking of you

She doesn't know what else to do

Where are you

Where are you

Broken.

I hate me. I hate the way i think, the way i judge my every movement, the way my fumbling hands wreak havoc on everything they touch. I hate the way i feel every second of ever day, the way i look, the way my short, fat body maneuvers itself, and the way my deformed, hideous face contorts into expressions that allow the world to easily read me like an open book. I hate how the only thing i can seem to find any solace in is the slick, fine edge of a friendly razor against my all too willing skin. I hate myself for being such a stupid fuck up. 

I'm a miserable excuse for a human being and will never, ever prove myself to be anything but just that. I can never be happy, it's repulsive. It's become utterly hopeless to dream of any kind of life for myself beyond graduation, if that. I draw a blank every time i try to think of my "future", and have convinced myself that i won't live to see the age 19. I'm a pathetic piece of nothing who deserves to slowly rot to ruined trash just like my broken heart. I'm even disgusted that i have the nerve to sit here and continue to type this pitiful excuse for a blog, i am merely drowning in self-pity and complaining, but i need to vent, and thats what the dumb posts are for.

this was a fail.

So it's either im growing as a person, breaking out of my cold shell, and stepping into the light, or the zoloft. 

I'm thinking it's the meds. (considering my dosage just recently increased.)

But okay, so what if it's just the pills? They're working, and im feeling almost halfway close to being sort of okay, so, that's what counts. Right?

I'm kind of..... scratch that, REALLY scared/anxious/apprehensive/worried/horrified for the recent/immediate future. I've been having dreams. Bad, sad, dreams, and, from experience i know that they mean something bad, and i know they are never wrong.... And sure, she's on meds, she's crazy and now she's having "dreams", it sounds ludicrous but im not kidding. (and before you read any further ill just have you know my dreams are not of that that predict an apocalypse or earth shattering event or some hallaboloo like that, they just usually hint an upcoming event in my own life, much like foreshadowing in literature, or womens intuition) and so i've been on edge lately. Blah.

i'm..... sitting here, avoiding school work, listening to country music (don't ask.) and attempting to calm my nerves, so forgive me if this is messy, boring, and a complete and utter fail. 

Auditions for 12 angry jurors is tomorrow. I have yet to memorize the monologue, and fml i just know i am going to screw this up. Stars guide me. Ugh.

i dooon't know where this is going.....

i'm nervous and scared and i dont know what to do, i just want to type, whatever pops into my head to be transfered into the laptop and serving as an unfortunately failing release.

I feel.. unwanted, unloved, pathetic, stupid, psychotic, unimportant, and all the feelings that come along with the previous adjectives. 

i cant make this make sense. bye for now, i'll try again later. maybe...

The tile flooring in my bathroom proves to be a decent comfort rather than a shockingly cold, "i've just hit rock bottom" surface. I'll let you in on a little secret, girls, all girls, even cute little sally who lives down the street and fetches the mail for you every morning, are bitches. They will do anything and everything in their power to demote you down to a worthless nothing who hardly even deserves to exist much less take up space and oxygen on this planet. I just don't think i could feel anymore abject...worthless...insignificant...ugly...and/or repulsive if i tried, or wanted to. I just fucking do not want to live anymore. I am absolutely sick and tired of this utter bullshit. People are goddamned fucking pathetic assholes. I want to vanish off of the face of the earth entirely and for everyone to forget i ever came into existence. 

Good morning, regardless of what the post time states next to this blog it is precisely 11:55 a.m.

Rough night last night, and a rough past couple of days, i haven't been on here in a while, and decided it might be a nice investment to revisit and mayhaps write a tiny bit.

As ones life progresses one learns more and more about ones self. I have learned something new about myself rather recently. I can be an awfully jealous person, and i hate that. I have found that if another girl even looks at jason i begin to feel jealous and worthless and all this other nonsense. I've also learned that my stability level is beyond repair, i fear i am insane to be truly honest. I'm depressed all the time, completely, and totally depressed, to the point where i dont even want to open my mouth to speak anymore i just would rather live inside my own head. Life inside my head for the most part is quite pleasant, with the exception of suicidal thoughts, imaginary depressing scenarios and reliving over and over again the death of my father and many other horrible and morbid events. All that put to the side, my imaginary life proves to be exceedingly satisfying. In my head, i do not live here, but somewhere else, some place beautiful with wide open wheat fields and sun everyday, i am happy there, i am alone there, and when lonely am visited by the people whom i love. A fantasy life which will never exist. I am often living that life instead of reality, and after pondering this for quite some time i have come to the conclusion that it is an unhealthy and unstable habit, that, if i break it, i might go completely psychotic altogether. 

This post really isnt making much sense. I just need to ramble.

Aside from living some fantasy life inside my head, and proving the level of my stability to be lower than the floor and completely broken, my self esteem, self worth, has gone, as you say, completely out the window. I have never at any point in my life ever felt so ugly, so worthless, so unwanted, so useless, grotesque, undeserving, etc.,etc.,etc. Slowly i am building a shell to harbor myself in to protect me from the outside world to isolate me, and banish reality from my existence. No razor, no cuts, no nothing, i no longer feel like feeling. The numbness is bliss.

slice, slit. oh well.

The ashes just look pretty on your eyes....

Medieval Fair was today, unfortunately Alex fell ill and was unable to join Neike and I... :( I hope she feels better. I can't wait for a day when we all three can hang out and go attend some kind of festival event of sorts to make up for today. The festival was just about everything i hoped it would be and about 1,000 times more. It was so wonderful, i felt so comfortable and so happy, like... genuinely happy.... monique even noticed and commented on how elated i truly was. Everything was so beautiful, and all the tents held such divine effects. I bought incense, hand made soaps, and a lovely pentacle necklace. There were so many tents filled with unique odds and ends, wiccan/pagan trinkets and things or... "dip dops" as peter (moniques boyfriend) would call them. It was just such a perfect and excellent affair. 

Today was almost spotless. The fair was amazing, i even had a lovely dinner that i didnt hate myself for, and hung out with brigid and my boyfriend, jason. 

But nothing can ever be flawless can it?...

I'm.... barely hanging on.. by a thread i dangle from the breaking point. Sometimes... he just makes feel so.... worthless.. The way he speaks to me, the way he questions everything i say, like i know absolutely nothing, like i'm... stupid.. i don't even want to talk anymore for fear of being instantly criticized its that bad... i cant stand that he thinks im so brainless.... that he always has to doubt my answers/facts/conclusions.. because i could just never can be right... i could never know something. It hurts me the way he acts sometimes.. i love him, more than anything i love him.... and only on a very rare occasion do i feel this way (complete and utter worthless shit, like a waste..) but it hurts so much right now, and i don't have people to talk to... i have my keypad and this blog. 

Saved by refugee of this once blank page. First time this blogging idea has seemed worth it and useful. I do not feel like cutting. I feel like crying.... and it just won't happen... I'm not getting better and i feel in fact, the terms are that it is the complete opposite... i am becoming worse. I don't feel like moving, like speaking, like breathing. Blessed be that damned medieval festival for granting me my first few hours of sanctuary in what has been... well.... years. I can barely feel anymore. 

two posts in one night.... im on a role... or just have a lot to complain about.

Cannot sleep. Convinced it's the medication. Done a lot of thinking. I'm way more than depressed.

Various abrupt mood swings. Unavoidable suicidal thoughts. Severe BDD  (i dont think it's severe.... i know what i look like, im not exaggerating, i truly am the size of a rhino.) Inordinate OCD. Irrational paranoia. Completely unstable.

Do i want to be normal? No. Do i want to be stable, and anchored? More than anything.

*not so sure where this is going, i just need to vent....*

Well... i'm starting group therapy in two weeks, which will follow along with my regular one on one sessions. Maybe group therapy will help.... i hope. Junior year will keep me quite busy, and im hoping that'll help.. though keeping busy really doesn't do much anymore.... I dunno, nothing seems to help... i'm afraid i'll feel this way forever, with no glimmer of light at the end of this hell bent tunnel. Fuck, i hate this, i hate everything that comes along with feeling this way (no sleep, no motivation, no happiness, stress, no will to continue living) I just want to be happy... i just want to be okay... ugh. R-A-Z-O-R!

oBEASTity of burden

I'm not pretty, or beautiful, or stunning, or drop dead gorgeous, or anything else of that nature. I'm... stubby, pudgy, short, round, ugly, and disfigured....

I want.. so much, to feel confident, to look in the mirror without feeling sick, without having to fix myself until i've done nearly everything i can, even though it still doesnt help. Looks aren't supposed to matter... but i just feel repulsing and unattractive. My low self-esteem and overly self conscious ways have progressed so horridly that not only will i not wear/be seen in a bathing suit (much less shorts, tank tops w/o sweatshirts, bras, underwear, capris, etc.-anything showing much skin) i will cry and be launched into a massive panic attack if i even think about being seen in any of those items.  I'm haunted by my body and looks, and a prisoner to my uncontrollable, overwhelming insecurity. My weight is a chain around my squat ankle, the deformity that is my face is a doubled up synder block strapped to my rotund back, and my deep, hazardous vacillation is the thick, heavy quick sand i carry them in.

And sure, they try and tell you "no babe, you're pretty", "no, you're not ugly", but how obvious can the pity get? No matter who tells me what i will always see what i see until i change what i loathe and am satisfied to the point that maybe a skirt that hits my knees could be a possibility (if need be). 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is where i would normally be coasting my keen razor along the surface of my forearms just deep enough to lightly scratch the vein as to where it would bleed steadily enough to appease my need for my deserved bloodshed. Alas, instead of my silver razor, is my keyboard, in place of my arm, is this blog, and in lieu of my blood, are these words strewn across the screen. And yet... i still prefer a sliced wrist. 

uhebagvhrhlkueg fakeawuvHKU

okay, well.... two words. let me tell you! MEDIEVAL FESTIVAL!

Not quite as emotional as my other posts, but holy crap am i excitedddd!!

WOW. like... [= I love these things, and yes, yes, almighty YES i am a self proclaimed nerd who belongs at these functions fully dressed carting a wagon full of magic spells to sell. It will be the first time i meet neikes friend alex, and for that i am equally ecstatic because she seems rather lovely from all i've heard of her, and ....medieval festival<3>

On a more sane note, i get to see my love in about an hour, and i havent seen him since what feels like the dawn of time. I bought him a snuggie. He's going to hate me hahaha. I love him, really quite hopelessly love him, and cannot wait to hold his face in my hands again.

Love's a funny thing i guess. It can engulf you completely leaving no time to think clearly or breathe correctly. It takes you whole, throwing you into this deep sea of emotions, and mercilessly casting you from one feeling to the next. I'm 16, and have been in love twice. Some people say teenagers are too young to know what love is. I doubt what they say, we're the only ones who don't let our taxes, jobs, and other bullshit interfere with our love lives. We feel everything absolutely, full heart and soul, and after all thats what it is to be in love. 

Messy post, random thoughts..... MEDIEVAL FESTIVAL<3>

Crap.

4 a.m. and i still can't sleep... as usual....

Alright, well... i'm not really sure where this is going, or how it's going to turn out, but, here it goes....

I miss my razor. My sharp, shiny, bloodthirsty razor. I miss how the minute i hold it in my hand i instantly feel relief knowing, that when my blood meets the outside layer of skin that covers my wrist, forearm, stomach, leg, etc., that i am releasing repressed feelings, stress, and anger. I miss the pain and annoying yet satisfying sting that comes from gliding it's sharp edge along my skin.

These stupid, ugly scars on the inside of my arm taunt me. Forcing me to remember my former surrender. I'm fucked. Here i am, attempting my new surrender, it's not working.... a few cuts and i'd be in dreamland until morning. Damn it. If only it was last year. She could send me to a hospital and it wouldnt matter, it wouldnt effect me in the slightest. Now i cant risk her even considering the fact that i may have new scars, or off to the institution i'll go, fucking up junior year, and there for ending all chances of getting away from this god forsaken hell hole i'm being forced to live in. 

I'm unstable. I'm borderline entirely psychotic. But i cannot let on that this is the case. I have to stay in school this year. It's junior year, it's important, it's going to get me out of this place. For now, i have this unpromising blog, and 100 mg of zoloft (my new medication) and zoloft is proving to be rather nifty, for now. Though, i'd much rather my razor....ugh.

I know why the caged bird sings....

Trapped. Ensnarled by my own home, by a town i don't belong in, by people whom I love, whom I hate, by my own body. 

I know why the caged bird sings....

Freedom. To say and do and go however I please. To feel and explore and venture all on my own. To breathe. To, for once, not have to criticize myself and be criticized by others, to not have to worry. To be free.

That is why the caged bird sings....

To be free.

I am a bird. I am bound, confined, and imprisoned by this town, by these people, by my home, by my own self, my own body. 

I am a caged bird that sings....

I long for that freedom that comes from possessing your own pair of wings. From flying, soaring on those wings through the open heavens where all the world is yours, and nothing matters. Where every breath does not seem to weigh you down, but to lift you up higher and higher into a state of euphoria, where smiles are permanently pasted on your face not because of some odd number of milligrams of "happy medicine", but simply because it belongs there, because you want to smile. Oh... to be a bird, to embrace abandon, and live because the sun is shining and you crave nothing more than to continue continuing! To want to live.... To have freedom. 

I know why the caged bird sings....